I'm just gonna ramble a bit and try to get things off my chest. I've not been doing good at all, it started somewhat fine, feeling like my work is not good enough, but I've honestly been used to that feeling. But then it just kept getting worse and worse, seeing others happy all the time, seeing how beautiful everyone is while I'm just an ugly piece of shit, as not only hinted at by others, but straight up being told by others. I don't speak up because what can I say? They're not wrong at all. I know that. In fact I fucking hate myself for what I am. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to change. Do I really want to make it to 30 at all? In just a few months it'll be too late. If this is what the rest of my life will be like, then I'd much rather just cut it short. Living paycheck to paycheck, always being scared that my work is shit, that I'll never be happy with anything I make. I'm often unable to get any work done for hours because I feel like I'll do things wrong when I get started. Why did all of this become the new standard? It's unfair, nothing is fair, why did I get the short stick. Why do I suck at everything I do? Why do I constantly see the bad in people, why do I ALWAYS find the excuse as to why I cannot be content or happy. I cut off a lot of people and groups today, and I'm not going back to those places. I gave it another shot, I joined back to see if maybe I was just wrong the last time I tried to be more social, but no. I was not wrong. It's not for me. I'm supposed to be alone. It literally feels wrong trying to fit in, like I'm constantly being jerked around by my feelings of what I think I should be doing or saying, and what I actually end up saying or doing. And somehow, every single time I do try to be social, I end up hurting someone. Every. Single. Time. It was kinda funny when I tried to turn to weed, I genuinely thought it helped at first, but man, it fucking sucks too. I never want to try it again. That moment of ego death and losing reality, I thought it would help, but it only made things worse. It made me realize that I'm not happy even when it's just me and nothing else in the world. But I think even I'm afraid of myself. I could try and just push through, but what's the point? I really don't know if anyone can help me. The few people I tried to ask for help didn't take me seriously. Nobody in the furry fandom seems to take any mental issue seriously, and if I try to talk about my feelings, I'm suddenly labeled as a person who's "constantly talking about himself" or my favourite, the "always depressed and attention seeking type". I guess I tried to be. From my point of view, it was rare. I rarely ever directly asked for help or tried to tell others about my problems, but I suppose even that's too much, and I'm not supposed to do it at all. That's alright, I honestly don't want to hurt anyone, I wish all my friends nothing but happiness going forward. I will never ask for help again. I could probably write more and more about my feelings but I think I'll stop here. I want to kill myself but I'm afraid of death. So I most likely won't go through with it, but I'm done fighting. I don't see this ever improving. If I cut you off, I'm sorry, I just feel like I'd end up hurting you, if I didn't do so already.